Let’s Get Real!

                                                                       *Nothing to disclose

          Hi guys!! I told myself when this year started that I would be more socially active. Maybe not so much in person, but online is a little different. And I figured the best way to do that is to tell you about me and my life!! Read on only if your interested! This may turn out long winded and I may add pics 🙂

          Let’s start with the basics. I am 32 years old and my birthday is September 1st. I have always loved being born on the first of the month. It somehow feels empowering, know what I mean? I have 3 daughters but most only know of 2. Abigail is 13 and Keira is 10. Jessica is now 7. We will talk about that a little later. My favorite color is yes!!! I mean all of them! I used to have favorite colors, and now I have love for all colors. I just like things bright 🙂 I am 5 feet tall and really really close to being shorter than my daughters… Sad. I actually really like being short. My husband is 6 feet 3 inches so there is a descent difference there. Travis and I are coming up on our 5 year anniversary. It happens to be a part of my busiest month of the year. Watch this.
          Abigail’s birthday: 3-3
          Keira’s birthday: 3-10
          MJ (neice) birthday: 3-7
          Andrew (nephew) birthday: 3-12
          Wedding anniversary: 3-30

          Ya… Anyways, Travis and I are a super happy couple that fit so perfectly together. We went to school together until 6th grade when I moved out of town. At 25, when I moved back to the area, we went out to catch up and we have been together since. I lucked out and married into an amazing family. They love me and I love them!! I have a younger brother, DJ, we share our mom. then I have 3 sisters through marriage, Sarah, Brandi, and Danielle. Let’s quickly (or not so quickly) sum up my past because it was horrible!

          From the time I can remember, I had always picked at my skin. Some times were worse than others but I never really thought about it. At 16, I met the girls father, and by 18 I had had Abi. It was a very tumultuous and abusive relationship. From both sides. On my 21st birthday, I was pregnant and he had cheated on me. He started getting into drugs of all kinds really bad. I left to stay with my mom. I stayed there until the end of that year. In this time I was working and partying in my spare time. My kids were not my first priority. I left my mom’s house and left my kids there.  By this point, I was also doing drugs and heavily drinking so I couldn’t take them with me. Keira was only 9 months old. That was the last time I have lived with my kids.

          During the next 3-4 years things just got worse. I had a boyfriend who was a few years younger than me, which I didn’t mind because he partied like I did. We had a life changing event one night when our roommate drove off right in front of us. He had probably dropped over 10 hits of acid and he just wanted to drive. We tried to stop him but he already was in his car, with the keys in the ignition. We tried to get the keys and he drove off. Door wide open and sunglasses on, this was around midnight. For the next 5-6 hours all I remember is bright bursts of color and laughing forever. It should have been a fun night. It was my first time ever doing acid. Right as everything was fading and I started to melt into my couch, my boyfriend’s mom banged on the door. It’s 6 am so we immediately perk up. He opens the door and she says that our friend is dead. He crashed his car head on into a tree. He didn’t even try to slow down. I have wondered since then what it was he was seeing and I pray that it was wonderful. For the next few months we were out of our minds. drinking and doing acid every day. Stupid I know, but we couldn’t cope normally. We were the last people to see him before he died and we felt responsible because we couldn’t stop him.

          Then I got pregnant, we had planned it in the glazed over mourning time. I don’t know what we were thinking. I didn’t even have my other girls in my custody. Luckily, I have had a relationship with my girls the whole time! About 3 months after Jessica was born, things got physical in my current relationship. I was in no way ready to be the only one working, paying bills and taking care of a newborn in between. I started drinking really heavy and I sometimes wouldn’t go home. I was starting to cheat on him and he knew so he left. He emptied out our apartment while I was on a weekend beach/drinking trip. I mean EVERYTHING! Even the beds and clothes I had had for my older girls. Pictures, scrapbooks, jewelry, everything. I had a work outfit, because I had left from work. I had my phone, my charger, and my purse. That’s it. I kept working and doing what I could, staying with friends where I could. Because I am me, I kept doing what I was doing until I had no where to go. I called my dad after not talking for almost 3 years. I bawled my eyes out and asked if I could move in with him and his wife. The next day, I took my entire life, which sadly fit in a 1x1x2 box, and moved away. Its a little over an hour away so it was far but not too far away. I still saw my girls and even got to see Jess once or twice.

          The problem was, I was still trying to live the same life in a different place. While trying to find people I knew as a child, I came across Travis. He wanted to catch up and he told me he smoked weed and would get some beer. Sweet! At dinner we just clicked so hard. I tried to brush it off because 4 months earlier I was homeless and drunk. No condition for a relationship. we started to hang out more then when I backed off he said, I don’t play games so don’t do any back and forth bull shit. That changed my life. I don’t even know why. I had heard that before. But something in me said this would be for the best. About 4 months into dating, his sister/room mate got a last minute job across the state and needed to move. We ended up getting a place together. I know it seems so fast but looking back I wouldn’t change a thing. When you know you know.

          It was definitely a trying time. Jessica’s father would not speak to me at all. To this day we have not talked in over 6 years. I know it’s not ideal, but he is engaged to a wonderful woman now and she has grown up so happy and loved. I see pics here and there. I just don’t want to show up in her life and disrupt things. We never really knew each other or bonded because of my heavy drinking and drug use. I do though, still see my older girls as often as possible. They are older and have steady friends and school so they will stay with my mom. They are also very very busy so I don’t see them as often as I like but they are so awesome!!

          Anyways, after Travis and I moved in together things changed. I had stopped all drug use except for smoking pot. And I only had drinks socially. add that to the upheaval of my life in the past year and boom! Some serious shit goes down. I started to pick my face. I knew this was always something I did but this was getting really bad. Then it spread to my legs, then back, then arms. Anywhere I can reach. When I say spread, I don’t mean like a sickness or disease. The areas I would pick would get bigger and bigger. Then the anxiety started. I left my job and I stopped going out. This didn’t happen in a day. I tried multiple times to get another job. I physically couldn’t leave the house without having a sobbing, hyperventilating, full on panic attack. I even stopped seeing my family as often because who wants to explain why your entire face is scarred and blemished?!

          We had talked about getting married so I could be added to his medical insurance but I really didn’t want that to be a reason to marry. I am a firm believer that I will only have 1 husband for life. After much talk and discussion, we decided that we did eventually want to get married. So we went for it. Just bumped it up to help me find out what the hell was going on. It took until now, about 5 years, to find out that I suffer from Excoriation (Dermatillomania), which is classified as a Body Focused Repetitive Disorder (BFRD). This is classified as an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I really found most of this out for myself. I do see a doctor every 3 months and I do take Prozac daily. It helps with the depression and the anxiety. My mood has totally improved. I am always happy. I do fall into what I like to call a “funk” every once in a while. I know its normal, but its still pretty intense for me.

          Everyday I am so grateful that my husband knew how to handle me at my worst. He is an amazing guy and had to deal with a lot of shit. But he never left, never laid a hand on me, and always tried to help me. Currently I am still not working but the anxiety is slowly getting better. The picking is still really bad. I have given up a serious cocaine addiction cold turkey, stopped smoking cigarettes cold turkey. I cannot tell you why I can’t do this. As of now there is no cure and there is very little help. Even the help that is available barely works. I have to say I am pretty fed up.

          We are now nearing the end of my story. I know things could be worse for me. I’m not here for pity. I am coping as best I can with what I was dealt and what I have caused for myself. I just want to share my story in hopes that it gives people who know me some type of explanation. And for the  people who don’t know me, I hope it gives someone who deals with this some comfort that you are not alone. Or alternately some knowledge so you can spread awareness, or understand what some people are going through. This disorder literally ruined my life. But then I wouldn’t be here now if it didn’t. It came from one of the worst times of my life, but I am getting better and I am hopeful.

          I had no intention of this being so long but that’s just how it poured out. If you made it this far please share if it has helped you at all or if you know someone that could benefit from the read! If you have a story and would like to unload feel free to email me. Even if no one ever knows it has felt amazing just to get this out. Thank you so much for reading. Love to all with any invisible/mental illness. Pics and email below!

This is Abigail.

Snap chat fun lol. But here you can see some spots.

Keira and I again with Snap chat! They love the dog!!!

Travis and I at  a ranch in Montana ❤

This is me on Christmas Eve 2016. Full face of make up. I have been practicing so I can be more confident going out!

             jstmynails@gmail.com